B's room

Oh hi! This might be a little long but I like to be super straightforward and I value honesty and communication! If you don’t read all of it and ask me one of the questions that I’ve already answered, you can bet this probably won’t be a good fit for you. I know you think I might be joking but if I have one more person message to ask me what the rent is and if I’m the only person living in the condo, I’m going to have to take my children and move them to a remote location to hide them from the stupidity. So…let’s get started!

I’m going to tell you just a tiny bit about myself (I’m vain so a tiny bit is actually a lot). I’m 35 and I have a very handsome boyfriend that comes over every Friday-Sunday. He’s cool and all but the real star of the show is my puppy Icarus, who will soon be celebrating his first birthday. I’m open to all ages, genders, LGBTQ, political affiliation, etc. I don’t want to talk about your vaccination status because I honestly don’t care. If you care about my vaccination status, scroll on!

I have three kids! Yes, I know how that happens, no, I don’t want more, and yes, the last one may have been a bit of an oops. They are 4, 6 and 12 and spend half of their time at their dads’ houses. They’re also in school/daycare, so they’re really only home in the evenings, every other weekend and every time they decide to grace our house with some sort of illness. Don’t worry, I’m looking into investing in hazmat suits and bubble balls.

IF YOU DON’T LIKE KIDS OR THINK YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH KIDS, THIS WON’T WORK!!! I cannot even believe I have to point this out but refer to the stupidity in paragraph one lol.

Kids are kids sometimes and as much as I try to keep them under control, I’m outgunned, outmanned, outnumbered and outplanned (thank you Hamilton). They can be loud, they will want to be your best friend, they will randomly show up next to you stark naked. There will be pee on the toilet seat, everything will be wet with unknown substances and there will be crumbs in places that you didn’t even know crumbs could reach. I threaten to put them up for adoption constantly but it doesn’t seem to be having any impact…I think they’ve caught on to the ruse. I might have to out Santa next.

I work as an accountant by day…and by night. I typically prefer the commando lifestyle but I’ve been told that when you have roommates, it’s polite to wear pants, which I guess I can accommodate as long as you also promise to wear pants.

Okay, now the good stuff.

This is for ONE bedroom in the basement of my condo and all shared spaces, including two bathrooms. There’s lots of room in the condo but it’s pretty filled with my crap so if you have a lot of possessions, I can make some room, but not a ton.
-In Thornton near 97th and Huron -Rent: $925; Deposit $900; Month to month (so that if you decide the kids are too much, you can run to the store for a pack of smokes and never return) -Application Fee: $40 (I’ll only charge you this if you return the application and I actually run the background/credit check). I don’t want your monies unless you wanna live here dammit. -Includes ALL utilities (and with energy prices right now, that’s a good deal) as well as items used in the commons areas (i.e. paper towels, dishwashing detergent, kitchen cleaning supplies, etc.) -Along with the wall mounted TV, there is also Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, HBO Max and Amazon Prime. Let’s be honest, I have three kids and sometimes mom needs a damn break -There’s a poooool!!! Yes that’s right, a freaking pool. It’s a heated pool, it’s open all summer and it’s not huge, but it’s still a pool! It’s a community pool but typically not too crowded and I spend a lot of my summer working by the pool because it’s niiiiice! -There is also a garage but I use it when it snows so that my children don’t shove an entire roll of toilet paper into the toilet while I go outside to clean off the car (fool me once). There is parking on the street right in front of the condo and you are welcome to the garage when it’s not snowing.

Despite the three demon spawn and the furry beast (don’t tell my boyfriend I called him that) running around the house, I do try to keep it fairly clean. I would hope that you would be at least as clean as the monsters living in the upstairs bedrooms, if nothing else than to set a good example.

My pet peeves: People who leave dishes on the countertop, rearrange my furniture without asking and don’t put things back where they belong

My flaws: I cannot stop leaving laundry in the dryer no matter how hard I try, I’m super OCD about the kitchen and my stuff being where I left it

Must: -Not smoke anything. I hate this one as I miss cigarettes but my daughter has some pretty severe asthma and I just can’t have it around her. I suppose if you 420 it outside and the house doesn’t smell like it, I could probably dig out my bong from college for you. -Not have dogs/cats. Icarus loves other animals but I can’t handle another tiny creature roaming the halls of the manor -Not kill house spiders but instead flail arms and scream like a little bitch while attempting to catch the spiders to let them loose outside.

That’s it though…no stupid curfews or anything like that. We don’t really have too many rules and most of them would probably be things we’d discover as we go. We had a roommate previously but he got all snooty and moved to Oregon to finish law school and we wish he would fail or drop out and come back to live with us but he’s being selfish and following his dreams (what a dick right?).

If you can’t tell, we enjoy a good sense of humor. Living here would be what you want it to be, unless it’s a life of solitude, or quiet, or…let me start again. Living here would be like having a bunch of new best friends that sometimes don’t recognize personal boundaries! We’re actually really laid back and while you’ll definitely hear me lose my shit on the kids sometimes, it’s really not that bad…and there’s often cookies in the house, so if nothing else, maybe that’ll entice you to give it a go!

Myself, 25 year old bisexual femal My daughters, 6 years old and 12 years old My son, 4 years old Our doggo, Icarus (Norwegian Elkhound/Shepherd mix)